TO: YOUR INBOX
SUBJECT: Congratulations on your fake promotion to Lead!
We’re so excited to offer you this great opportunity for growth and really stretching your wings as a Lead [Current Job]. You’ll have more responsibility and more expected of you in this ill-defined Lead role, because we know we need someone to be on top of things and clearly it’s not us.
You’ve done such a great job doing the work that we’re paying for that we want you to do more work that we won’t pay you for! We’ll do this by adding “Lead” in front of your title but changing nothing about your rank, actual power, compensation, or benefits.
You’ll be able to claim notoriety by putting this on your resume! However, be aware that if you put this on your resume and there’s an actual background check for a future position, this title won’t show up because we didn’t change your title. Internally it’s great though!! We pinkie promise!!
This not-promotion-pretending-to-be-a-promotion could very well lead to a real promotion! That’s provided that you do the work of the next level (or two, you go-getter!) for at least a year, without making mistakes. That’s why we appreciate you being in this position so much, because you give us a person to blame for any mistakes, and we’re oh so grateful for that.
All that said, thank you for taking on this thing that you wouldn’t want if you actually understood what’s happening, because it is most definitely a trap. We appreciate you so much. Like, emotionally. Not financially. Obviously.
See you on Monday!